Cardhuntria's Best Butt Part 1 - Contestants 1-12!

How do you start a blog about butts? Hey, why do you assk me?

... No, can't get behind that opening? 

You're a pain in the rear, you are. 

It's time for Carduntria's Best Butt, where I look over the various butts that Card Hunter has to offer and you, yes you!, decide whose butt is the most bootylicious! Why? Because why not! This blog could use some audience participation, right?!

This contest is open to people and entities from all walks of life, whether female, male, sentient or not, or even from Cardhuntria's realm of existence or not! Because if we did not they'd sue our ass off. And we do value asses in here, they're our primary asset! Seriously, last time a Greater Demon blassted the studio audience in protest and a Devil somehow made us legally responsible for it. It's the largest case of co-operation among denizens of the netherrealms ever recorded.

Of course all butts are to be celebrated, and though there can be only one winner, anyone (and anything) who made it on this list should consider him/her/it/self or themselves lucky! 

So, on with the first contasstant!! (Okay that's enough ass jokes.)

Armoured Pig

Oh my, how did this little piggy even get on stage? This piece of pork is happy to shield its back, but leaves it rear open for all to spectate! Truly a very bold first contestant we have here. When asked about its prospects in life, all we got out of it was "Oink". A local wizard fluent in Piglish later informed us it hoped its rear would one day make a good meal for a great king. I do fancy myself as a noble man, so I was happy to oblige.

Festering Zombie

Oh dear. Next up we have a more shy contestant who is happier to clothe himself, much to the happiness of the audience as well. Though this zombie's body is bubbling with boils, it assured us that it was totally in the clear 'down there'. Upon closer inspection by a stage hand, this zombie's story was discredited as it had a severe case of pants postules. I wouldn't want to be that stag hand, I heard he took 18 Acid damage as a result of the inspection. The zombie's Necromancer assures me he'll make sure to provide an acceptable alternative.

Cunning Mutant

Coming straight from the mountains where his spaceship landed, this mutant charged up to the stage and started shouting madly as he showed the audience his contribution. What nobody expected was the Radioactive Pulse it emitted from its rear. All this Cunning Mutant had to say for itself was "Help meee!" and "The pain!" as it ran off the stage as quickly as it came on. It's not easy being beautiful, and I'm sure we can all relate to the hardships of having such a butt. 

Molly

This enigmatic contestant claims that he - err, she's from space and came all the way to our humble planet to partake in this competition! Equipped with a Nova Axe, Laserforce Shield, Cybernetic Armour and Skintight Pants, this Dwarf Lady is equipped for the raunchiest of combat while still maintaining the rear view you'd want in any Dwarven Warrior eager to charge ahead and pummel the enemy! Let's just hope her pants aren't as prone to malfunctions as her axe...

Demon Warrior

Oh dear, it seems the producers have opened the Demon Portal a bit early this year, and we already have a hunky Demon Warrior parading around the stage like he owns the place. Frankly we're too afraid to tell him otherwise. Uniquely, this Demon does not seem content to come in unclothed like most Demons. When asked why, he told us that "Less is More". I got a faint sense that he was trying to make a pun, but Demon accents have never been my strong suit.

Gargoyle

Next up, it seems a Gargoyle has swooped down from the stagelights and positioned itself in front of the audience. Clearly it has not been informed that swooping is bad. Though its entrance is less than rock-solid, its rear entrance is anything but. Few know whether Gargoyles are sculpted by nature or Wizards, but we believe that if it was a Wizard, they knew what they were doing.

Elves Priest

An Elven Priest of little words, this lady was content to show us her humble butt before leaving the stage. When asked for her name and why she was so silent, she entered a state of Frenzy and sucked the life out of one of our stage hands. Has this lady taken the wrong path looking for Lord Lordford's Estate or was this all part of her unholy schemes? Either way, we're too afraid to ask, and were more than happy to hand her over the "loot for beating the module", which caused her to leave. Psh, adventurers. 

Fire Demon

Oh, good, another Demon! This one is holding Melissa, one of our stage hands. She was never really a good stage hand. This ferocious and large Demon apparently likes to use a Human skull and its spine as a puppet for his lighthearted ventriloquism act. It also likes to prance around naked. We're not sure which part has the audience more captivated, but I'm pretty sure it's the latter. Certainly one hot performance!

Muscular Zombie

Ah, it seems the Necromancer has returned with what he dubs the "Muscular Zombie". This zombie is eager to show its body using various stereotypical bodybuilder poses, but the audience seems more repulsed than anything. When asked how a zombie can maintain such a muscle mass, the Necromancer went silent, and further testing found traces of Necroids. The necromancer in question has been banned from any future events and the applicability of undead next year is pending.

Elven Captain

This no-nonsense, entrepreneurial Space Elf assured us that she is the captain of her own enterprise and that she needs her space helmet to survive in the climate of Cardhuntria. We always knew Elves were a delicate species, but this subrace of Space Elves seems even more delicate. When a stage hand tapped on the bubble to ask further questions, she quickly reminded him with a laser not to tap the glass. Though she could work on her social skills, her choice in fashion excellently complements her '
derrière'. We believe this is Elvish for butt.

Mutant Gunner

Oh dear, this is a no-gun zone! Just when the audience was about to enter a panic, this Mutant cleverly turned around and bared his butt. The audience was immediately pacified. The Mutant went on the explain in pained groans and grunts how happy he is he crashed his spaceship on Cardhuntria thinking the radioactive releases would give him superpowers. "I didn't get any spaceship-related superpowers, but with these, why would I want to?!" And indeed, why would he?

Ice Demon

Though this demon's icy exterior might hint at a cold and distant personality, this demon was more insecure than anything, asking us which way it would be allowed to stand meekly. When told it was fine to stand facing the northeast, it did so apologetically. Things got rather messy quickly when one audience member leaped up intent on 'feeling what it was like' with a tongue. It was like a scene from a cartoon. The audience member had to say that "Ith was sooooo smooth, thothally worth ith!~", the Ice Demon only said "It was rather emberassing." It later assured us it didn't mind too much though. Oh my.


For now, though, we seem to have a disciplinarian issue among our audience, many of which are already stating their intention to "Grope as many Demons as they can". Now, Demons may be from another Realm and representations of pure Evil and to some people that may make them attractive or deserve to be groped, but neither of those are a justification to sexually harass them! We'll be back shortly after I personally talk to our audience. Because honestly, where am I going to get security from, it's already amazing enough we've not been shut down yet.

Link to part 2: http://maniafig.blogspot.nl/2015/07/cardhuntrias-best-butt-part-2.html