I said we'd be back shortly! Now, I have talked to the audience, and I'm pretty sure they won't be groping any Demons anymore. Pretty sure. Now we're back to our scheduled programming, on with the next contestant!
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| Elven Conspiracy Theorist |
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| Yellow Pudding |
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| Troll |
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| Zornze |
When this Human Cleric ascended the stage silently staring down the audience, as if to size them up, one of our stage hands asked her what she was planning. Then she boldly stated that she serves "Odme, the dark god of technofetishism" before erupting into a wild dance while her armcannon covered the entire studio in a giant cybernetic dome. The entire studio entered a state of sudden trance, as did I, and when we came back, Zornze was completely out of sight. None of us are sure what happened, but we all have one image forever implanted into our minds.
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| Rumbling Mutant |
In a flash, this Mutant teleported onto the stage, and as soon as it got there, it charged right into the audience, dealing 15 Crushing damage to at least 7 people. One Elf Wizard is said to have had "Her life fade", though it was later found out she survived with 2 HP. When asked for an explanation, the Mutant groaned that he thought it was a "Headbutting" contest. While ignorance of the rules does not protect one from the consequences of breaking them, this Mutant nevertheless has showed a considerable butt. Just maybe not the right kind.
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| Spiked Demon |
This cautious Demon was careful not to walk into anything or anyone, assuring us that it was just as painful for it as the other party. It stood at motionless as possible before the crowd. Again a member of the crowd ran up 'wanting to know what it feels like' and the events that followed are best not described. The audience member assured us that it didn't feel like expected. The Spiked Demon is currently in therapy over its miserable existence. We've sent it a box of chocolates only to later be informed that Demons are allergic to chocolate and it tends to melt in the realm where it was sent to anyway. We choose to assume the Demon has survived worse and will appreciate the gesture.
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| Case |
This Human 'Technician' prides himself on his rear as well as on his technological prowess, though we are not convinced he is not in fact a Wizard who has a thing for tight clothes. The same goes for most of these space people. Case claims that the power and accuracy of his laserbeam is matched nowhere in the land, and that he used Laser Therapy© to help sculpt his butt. He volunteered to quell any doubts of his status as a technician or skill as a therapist, though things did not go as planned...
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| Green Jelly |
Poor Green Jelly. Inspired by the performance of Yellow Pudding and not wanting to remain in the shadows of these great butts, it volunteered for some Laser Therapy©. Case was not lying about the power of his Laser, having rolled a 6 on his Erratic Damage roll. Though things may seem dire for Green Jelly, it specifically stated it certainly minded too much, word from the hospital says that it's looking at 50.000 Gold's worth of damage claims against Case Industries and its butt will in fact reshape. Randimar had better prepare his best Legendaries, because word is that there's an up-and-coming adventurous Green Jelly intent on showing it has brains, brawn and butt and has Gold to spare. Truly a deadly trifecta.
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| Troll King |
Our only Large Creature so far, and royalty to boot, look at how much space he takes up! This Troll King has the whole audience wary of what tricks it has up his sleeve, though what it had in store was more fearsome than ny Almighty Bludgeon or Obliterating Hack. With a vicious sneer, the troll King started gyrating on the stage, showing an infestation of butts all along his body. Trolls have a peculiar ability to generate from all wounds not caused by Fire, but none were quite so resilient as the King, who just for this very contest has showed that there is quality in quantity of butts. Though many audience members would disagree, as the cleaning crew will know all too well.
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| Mister Chef |
This fully-armoured Human goes only by the name of "Mister Chef". He claims to be a Spice Marine, who hunts the galaxy for the ultimate spices to put in his marinades. What he has cooked up for us today, though, is not a dish, but nonetheless was served to us on a metaphorical silver platter. He states that he uses his Laserblade and Shield to better cook his food, but it's clear this man really needs no Laser tools to radiate heat. He may call himself a Mister, but many would rather call him Master.
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| Umber Bulk |
And last but not least, the Umber Bulk! This is a mysterious creature capable of controlling the very movements of people using a skill called "Maze of the Mind". This Umber Bulk proudly states in its monster dialect that "All Mazes of the Mind lead to my butt!". Though I am sure some of that got lost in translation, it's clear that this Umber Bulk need not use any magic or mental tricks to lead onlookers to its butt. "I have seen adventures step into Mud, Spikes, Acid, Lava and even pure Radiation just to get closer to my butt!" And can you foul them, I think I can feel my legs moving on their own...
And those were all the contestants! It seems we only had some injuries this year and incredulously enough only one lawsuit! We don't know how we get away with it each year, but any claims of being sponsored by Lord Buttford are categorically ridiculous!
Truly the gods have blessed us this wonderful day, since never before have we had this many contestants on our show! 23 people and non-people from all walks of life, some even of unlife (regrettably), all eager to bare themselves before this crowd which apparently thinks it's okay to grope demons or take children or even babies to see all kinds of dangerous and deranged creatures which are known to be violent! You people sicken me, and I give commentary on butts for a living!
But as much as all butts are to be coveted, as long as the follow the show's guidelines of course, there must be a winner! There can be only one pair of buttocks in Cardhuntria that reigns supreme! Well, or three pairs or even more if you think the Troll or Troll King should win... If you're into that sort of thing. No judgments.
All you need to do is say who you think should win! Send me a message per PM on Alora Fane titled "Cardhuntria's Best Butt", and I'll tally the votes! Or in the likely event that nobody sends a PM, I'll just choose a winner myself! And you don't want to give me responsibility, are you crazy?! I'll tally the voted on, uh, let's say the first of August on 21:00 Alora Fane time. If I don't forget. Then I can announce the winner and we'll see who has Cardhuntria's Best Butt! Or you just know what kind of butt I like most. Because that's not creepy.
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